Saturday, 3 October 2015

Silk wrap, satin, and sequins. And Hat Attack!

I can't tell you how long I spent on this first piece of artwork below. Well, I can, but I won't. The vintage satin and sequin Chinese padded vest needed to be immortalized. As did those stretch caramel leather booties. And the hair, well, see paragraph below.
Remember when I said in the previous post, if you don't know what SEO is (search engine optimization) you might as well scrap your blog and stick your head in the toilet? Clearly, I'm as bad as it gets - the hair don't lie.
Connie summed it up with such erudition in her comment: "schblah-glunge-schwoop." 

But therein lies my genius. I am expecting correspondence from Liquid Plumber drain cleaner any day now with a glamorous sponsorship offer that will have all tip-top fashonistas clamouring for similar deals. Who better to sell that shite than someone with a swirly? Especially middle-aged with a swirly. And imagine the fun I'd have making videos to pitch their products.

Next I'll have automotive and electrical parts companies beating down my electronic door. And I shall be living on Cloud 9 where everything is at my beck and call. Hurrah. Flush
Mel Kobayashi in patchwork silk wrap, Bag and a Beret
Onto the fashion:
Above is a couture look that says, wow, looks like that lady got tangled up in a wraparound skirt. Astute! It is indeed a maxi wraparound skirt, but one that's too precious, I felt, to be trapped within the rubric of the granola-cruncher set - not that that's a bad thing. Some of my favourite mammals eat granola.

No, this silk piece cried out for romantic fluttering closer to my heart, an intense infusion of incense, Shinto shrines, Lawrence of Arabia and Marrakesh night markets, paper lanterns, Paris runways, bordellos and bourbon. A whirlwind in my closet! In a word - a silk body wrap.
To add to the romance, under the wrap I am wearing my farked tank dress backwards. The script I painted on it, "I Surrender to the Chaos," seemed much more fitting positioned under my ass than my boobs, the latter of which never put up a fight to begin with making surrender a rather moot point. Plus, with this wrap the words were only legible from the back, at least when I left home, and both shirt sleeves were fully covered as well. All the best couture is slidey, don't you find? 
Bag and a Beret, Mel wears flesh-eating booties
I am also wearing black jeggings, and on my feet thrifted lace-up booties and colourful Harlequin socks with black athletic socks underneath to prevent scraping of my ankles. Yes, cute shoes, but even without a tongue they give me quite a nasty lashing.

I may have only paid five dollars for this swath of processed caterpillar spit, but it looked and felt like a million bucks when I sashayed through Nordstrom, yesh. Cloud 9. Royal flush
Bag and a Beret, Mel wait for the train to adventure
And a parting photo of the sequin satin vest. I would have enjoyed acting in silent movies; maybe in a previous (still ongoing?) life I did. In this photo I see a young (heh), small-town woman clutching her bags, waiting for the train to carry her off to the big city where I suspect she would take up smoking, drinking gin, and scandalously rolling down her stockings. 

Which favourite automotive part would you like as a sponsor?
On Sunday I'll hook this up with Patti, hostess of one of the longest-running link-up parties ever - Visible Monday - at Not Dead Yet Style. Have you seen her new place? Schpetacular!
Hi Judith and everyone! See you at the meetup at Style Crone.
Unexpectedly feeling like a cowboy in this hat, a plain blue cotton cloche worn 
high with the brim turned up. Chanel sunglasses.
Jacquard "Mad Hatter" jacket that feels
like furniture. Mmm.
Get the cards ready. It's going to be an all-nighter.
Who's bringing the pie?
Thanks, Judith!

Wednesday, 30 September 2015

Cloud storage and SEO for middle-aged women

If you don't know what SEO means you might as well pack up your blog and stick your head in the toilet in shame. That's what they would have you think, them, those ones who want you to monetize your blog, flog your blog, flog yourself, flog others. Apparently, the more flogging you do, the greater your success. I already beat myself up about my blog and I certainly don't get monetized for it. Maybe I should beat you up too!
Black and white plaid and stripes, Bag and a Beret
No, flogging doesn't interest me, it's so piratical, neither does self-flagellation, although it does give me an idea on how to optimize my personal SEO (Search Engine Optimization).  

How bad is it, the Mel Search Engine? - Where did I put my keys? Where did I put my glasses? Where is that thingy, that book thing that wrote about, you know, that guy and the green cover? It's like in middle age everything in my home ends up in cloud storage, supposed to be very cutting edge, but jeez, it's not very effective is it? So yeah my search engine sucks - my stuff is in a frickin' cloud. If I had money I'd have Help. But let's get serious. Plan B.
Black and white plaid and stripes, Bag and a Beret
Kids have strings on their mittens threaded through their sleeves. Effective! I could just tie everything I habitually lose to the end of a long knotted rope, belt it on, and drag it behind me like those tin cans they tow behind cars after a wedding. Instead of a sign on my trunk that says "Just Married," my trunk would say "Just Menopausal."

My keys, my book thingies, the garbage I have to take out, O trailing along at the end - I can't forget him - all so convenient. Everything within reach!

Melanie Kobayashi in plaid and stripes, Bag and a Beret
But maybe it would be like that kids' book, Too Much Noise, where an old man covers up the creaks in his house by adding other noisy things until he gives up and appreciates the original creaks. I'm not saying I'd appreciate my creaks, no matter how original, but a trailing rope? I'm envisioning tangles and filth already, and I hate cleaning as much as losing things. 

Well, it was an idea. Too bad I can't patent it and make millions so I can get Help, serious help. The Clapper might be good, but O won't wear a Clapper and everything else in my home would beep when I clap. So back to square one - I'm done before I even get started. What's the point? No, seriously, what was my point? Heh.
Mel Kobayashi in plaid and stripes, Bag and a Beret
The Outfit

I'm jonesing on fluffy white sport socks, flats, glasses, and too-short pants these days. Whaaa...? Feck it. I like it. I'm going to wear the shite out of this stuff - because I can.
  • Weird B&W drop crotch, too-big plaid pants that twist around and bag weirdly; 
  • Striped Zara jacket plucked from the clothing swap leftovers at the last minute at the charity shop. Who brought that? Jane, was that you?* After I painted over a couple of stains with acrylics you can't even see them when I move fast or hold my hand in an odd position; 
  • Scarf/shawl;
  • Sample sale long-sleeve T, white sport socks;
  • Ultra-magic loupe.
How's your cloud holding out? Thunderstorms? Fog? Those dudes in Silicon Valley think they invented cloud storage? Puh. We middle-aged women laugh in their faces.

Edit: The jacket is from Sylvia. Thank you! She wore it here. She also mentioned SEOs when we met up. Hahaha. How appropriate that the two come together in this post. It's meant to be!

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